" I can't disprove that, " I said.

"Of course not", he said. "You don't have My Permision to disprove it. "

"Okay, " I said. "Just tell me where you are now. "

" I had a vision, " Dzogvi said. "It was right after my last Near-Death Experience. I heard a voice saying 'Dzogvi, you are destined to do great things, to have great wealth, to be adored and admired by millions,  to have many women.   And I said, I'm your man. Tell me what I must do. "

The voice answered, and said , " DZOGVI, INVENT A RELIGION".

"Is THAT all? " I asked. " Invent a religion?"

"That's it, " he said. " That was my Satori. I felt a great light shining upon me. I knew what I had to do. "

"My God, " I said. "are you serious?"

"Thank you for that, " he said. But I am, so to speak, dead serious.
I have some great role models.  L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology;  Werner Erhard and EST; Paul Twitchell and Eckanar --need I go on? What I have to do is to serve up only the best of the time-proven stuff from all of them and use a formula that hooks  in a congregation and keeps 'em coming back. "

" I have become a Saint, " he said, scratching in his growing beard. I have discovered the Path of the Saints, and I have made a leap of faith.  Because of this I shall totally and forever enjoy Diwali in Sat Lok.

" I never heard of Diwali, " I said., "or Sat Lok. Tell me about it. "

" I don't know about it either, not yet.  But Gzboli is a Born -Again Saint, "  he said.  "I am the Supreme Being in human form. I know that you are not used to the idea of a Living Master; and I shall probably have to face a lot of opposition; but that goes with the Master-Guru territory. "

"Yeah, " I said with a touch of sarcasm, "Maybe you should disguise your holy teachings as poetry and use fantastically obscure and meaningless buzz-words to hide the truth that you don't know what you're talking about. "

" I don't have any teachings yet, " he admitted, "but I have this keen stuff from the Ecks others which I will re-write in MY OWN IMAGE and then reveal to the world. "

"That's plagarism", I said., "and dishonest. "

"You don"t understand, " he said. "All us Saints steal from one another's stuff. There hasn't been a new idea in this business since Buddha. It's ALL recycled. The only thing that changes is the words we use to hide the truth,  which none of us really knows anyway. "

"As soon as I find out what it is, " he continued, " I'm going to teach the Highest of all Paths. I'll call it 'The Teaching of Saint Dzogvi' or 'The Golden Super Duper Spiritual Way to The Ultimate Profound Knowlege of God', or something impressive like that. I haven't decided yet. "

" Why don't you call it "Dzogvi's Spiritual Holy Iinspired Testament?" I suggested. "It's rife with hidden meaning."

"That's not bad, " he said. " I like the acronym. It has a ring about it. I'm going to pitch the proposition that all Paths except Mine will end in the mind regions. I can say that the Universal Mind is nothing more than a drop in the ocean of spiritual infinity compared to the reality at the level of My Supreme Being. Us Saints are incarnations of the Supreme Being, you know. "

"You think anybody will go for that stuff? " I asked. " You have got to promise some real spiritual hyper-goodies to pull them in. "

" I've considered that, " Dzogvi said, "and I have whomped up a vision of my pre-birth history. How do you like this:
 

. . . How does THAT grab you? "

"You plagarized that right out of Eusebius, Post Nicene Fathers of the Christian Church, " I said. " and besides, you are back into bathing; and you never did anoint yourself with anything but bad whisky. I don't know about the rest of the stuff."

" YOU know that, " he smiled. , "but how many actually READ Eusebius, or understand if they do read? Or remember? I'm not really going to do that stuff, but It won't hurt to make it look as if I do."

" Sounds too laid-back. " I said. "Is that how one becomes a saint? You just announce yourself?   Like,  "Hello, folks, I'm your friendly Sacred Holy Inspired Tourist. You may order now."

"Well, I thought some about becoming a Catholic saint, but they are pretty snotty about the whole thing. I thought about having a vision, of seeing an apparation of Mary, but that has been done. I don't see myself doing the Mother Theresa thing, either. They subject their saint candidates to an  Inquisition , you know, with the Advocatus Diabolus, and not only that, they require the saint candidate to be dead. I couldn't  hack THAT.

"Makes sense, "I said. "So how do you become a saint?"

" I'm simply going to set up a website on the internet and proclaim that after 40 days and 40 nights in a coma the Spirit Ascaryas Ascaridius appeared to me, saying,

'Dzogvi Gzboli, I appoint you my Person Incarnate and bestow upon you the Holy Mantle of Sainthood. '

"There are millions and millions of potential followers out there. Some of them will believe anything, especially if it promises them re-incarnation as Marilyn Monroe or Elvis Presley.   I will throw in some stuff about Transcendentalized Spiritual Mediation,  Secret Holy Mantras, Invisible Holy Planes of Existence, Forgiveness of Sins,  both before and after commission --- I could go on and on.  I tell you, the bounds are boundless!"

"Well, " I said, " so far I haven't heard anything that could get you arrested. Committed, maybe, but not arrested. "