"Tell me about it, " I said. "I'm all ears with the universe between."

"Well", he said, " I was hanging out with my friend Karezza the Gypsy last night, and after we had finished her bottle of Ripple, I started back here; and as I was crossing Jay Street I was suddenly bathed in a great, brilliant , white light. I was blinded, and I stood there like a deer in the headlights, transfixionated. Suddenly I heard a deep, sonorous voice in my ear shouting, "Get off the tracks, you damn fool or that train will kill you!, and I knew in that moment of satori that I was having a second Near-Death Experience which, as you know, is a basic, minimum requirement for anyone who wants to be a Sant and found a Religion."

"You're here, " I observed, " so it appears that you did not have a Death Experience."

"True, " he admitted. " There's more. I got off the tracks about ten seconds before the train got there, and while I was un-sweating, I heard The Voice again. It said, " Henceforth you will be known as Sant Dzogvi Gzboli, Maoharishi of the Sacred Holy Illuminated Testament of Ascarius Ascaridius."

"I trembled, " Dzogvi said. "I shook. I felt like throwing up.  And I answered, saying, Why ME?"

"I'll bite, " I said . "Why YOU?"

" The Voice said, "Because you were standing there like a damn fool about to be mincemeatized by that train;  and I can use you.'

By this time, my eyes had cleared up, and I could see the speaker. He was a little guy, sort of fat, with a smile like a Santa Claus Gnome. I was not impressed." Dzogvi sighed.

"Where is this going?" I asked. " I'm not impressed either, not yet."

"This is the good part, " Dzogvi said, " He looks me in the eye and says with a straight face, " I am the Sacred Holy Itinerant Tourist who must convey my Message to all the Earth. If you will join me, I will give you an exclusive franchise for the territory and great wealth, and the adulation of the multitudes, and of course, women. But you must apprentice yourself to ME; and you must dig up and translate my Secret Holy Inspired Testament".

"So you meet this character in the middle of Jay street in downtown Sacramento while you have a snootfull of Ripple; he keeps you from getting clobbered by the Light Rail Train; and he offers you a bunch of good stuff if you will work for him? Is that all?" I asked."

" You don't get it.", Dzogvi said. " This is not a guy. He is a SPIRIT.   I had a Near-Death Experience. This is a messenger from God or somebody important;
and He has Chosen Me. "

"Just like that, " I said. " You are full of spirits, and you meet a Spirit on Jay street."

"Why not?" he asked. " Anyhow, I take him back to my pad and when we get there he says,   "We have to Talk."

" I am Ascarius Ascaridius, " he tells me. " As you can see, I am a Spirit. I have no substantive physical body; and I cannot move physical objects.   I can only speak to someone whom I find in the midst of a Near-Death Experience. "

"So I asked this spirit, Who the hell is Ascarius Ascaridius? Some kind of foreigner? "

"In a way, " he says. " Many Kalpas ago I was involved in a revolution, so to speak; and I didn't choose the winning faction. I didn't choose the losing faction, either; so when Lucifer and his buddies got thrown out and set up Hell, they snubbed me; and since I was persona non grata with the Boss, I couldn't go home, either. However, The Boss said that If I could find somebody having a Near-Death Experience and recruit him to help me, I might be forgiven.

"I have been wandering the Universe ever since, mostly in the Los Angeles area, looking for a Near-Deather to help me redeem myself by establishing The True Religion and being a WayShower  to those who wish to find their Way Back To His  Holy Presence.  In this Holy Service I can earn Frequent Astral Flyer Credits back to the Holy Place."

Dzogvi looked at me , squinting a little. " How do you like it so far, "
he asked."

"I'll go along with you for a while, " I said. " But I'm afraid this script will not get past the pilot."

"I have more., " Dzogvi said. "   He tells me that when he was evicted he managed to liberate the Sacred Holy Irredescent Testament  from the Alabaster Temple ,  and that he buried it in the earth just outside the Pearly Gates, where it remains to this day, some six thousand years later."

"So now you have to go dig it up and translate it into modern language, and get it published?" I asked.

"Something like that, " Dzogvi said. " Guess where the secret burial site is located?"

"It's your script, Dzogvi, " I said. " Where do you want it buried?"

"Not MY will, but HIS will, " Dzogvi said, a little sanctimoniously. " In the Sacramento City Dump."

"Do you seriously think that anyone but a complete idiot would beleive a story like that?" I asked.

" Absolutely, " he chortled.  " I am going to preach the message from Ascarius Ascaridius to the masses, most of whom fit your apt characterization. I  will create a new religion which will make me rich, famous, and pursued by eager women."

"You may be right, " I conceded. " There is a wide-open market for mysterious magical transcendentalistic religions. However, I really think you should hold a seance with this AA Spirit and clean up the story a bit. For one thing, a Near-Death Experience which does not involve a Profound Coma isn't worth two cents in the religion market. You have to have an Epiphany or a Serious Satori in which your Soul is trancendentalized and you have a vision of your Holy Mission. You are also going to need a potfull of dogma, ceremony, ritual, planes of spiritual existence, and a whole lot of spiritual fol-de-rol that you have not even dreamed of yet ...."

"I KNOW that, " Dzogvi said. " But I can DO  it. I will cop the dogma from some sources I know; and I can steal all the rituals and ceremonies I need from the catholics, the scientologists, the Ecks, the Messiahs, the Shabdas, the Girl Scouts, and whoever has what I can use. The Spirit World is My Oyster; and I am going to be a Happy Clam."

"Just the same, "  I said;  " I think you should make a quick trip to India or maybe Pakistan or Los Angeles and  find yourself a real,  live guru who  will show you the fundamentals of the Guru trade. You don't even know how to do Za-Zen or contemplate your navel.

" I will learn, " Dzogvi said, " And I will whomp up a world-wide congregation on the Internet.

"Rotsa Ruck", I said. "Better get a computer first."