" This is ME, " Dzogvi, "I said. " You're telling me you can see lights around people's heads?"

"Very, very, special lights, " Dzogvi said. " The Aura-light gives me profound insight into the condition of the person's soul. "

" Tell me about MY aura, " Dzogvi, I said. " What do you see around my head?"

" I see light From your head, " He said. " Right now it is light amber with a fringe of pale blue, and at the margin is a shifting shade of green. "

"But what does that mean?" I asked.

"Well, it means you are full of skepticism and doubt, and you are feeling a little envy. "

" So, "  I said, " I don't believe that there are any colors around my head. The colors are in your mind, not in the real world.  Besides, " I added, " I can't prove that you don't see them; but neither can you prove that you do see them. In short, I would have to make a leap of faith and choose to believe your word. "

" You've got it!" he said. " If I tell you I can see your Aura, you must believe Me. I don't have to prove that I CAN see it; I have put you in the position of proving that I can't; and I am one-up on you. "

"Was this what you realized in your satori?" I asked.

"Not really, " he confessed. " I got the idea from Madam Karezza, my Gypsy fortune-teller friend who has the place across the street.  She has an extra crystal ball that I have my eye on. She says that she can see auras. She says that she does it all the time. "

"Does she say she can actually SEE auras?"I asked.

"She says she lies about the colored part. I believe her.
She says she can see the light reflected from faces; and she uses that to figure out what is going on in their heads. She tells the client that she sees an 
Aura of Glowing Colored Light. Technically, she does really see the light reflected from the head; but it isn't the light that she reads. She sees whether the face is happy or sour, or whether it smiles with the mouth only, or both the mouth and the eyes; she sees whether the face is clean or dirty; whether the hair is kept or dirty; she notices how the person speaks, the tone of  the voice and how the words come out, whether the body moves easily or painfully.  She says that the true emotional state is revealed by the upper facial expression, while the the area around the mouth projects whatever false  image the person wants to show. She says she can tell when a person is lying nearly every time.   Details like these  tell her most of what she needs to know about her clients. Gypsy fortune tellers have been making a living off this practice for centuries; ever since their ancestors left India. "

"How come she tells you all her trade secrets? I asked.

"Well, I have an understanding with her, " Dzogvi said. " I tell her how to trancendentalize her soul energy and she tells me my fortune.  Works out Okay. She says she is into Tantric Yoga, and she will initiate me if I want. "

" So how do you propose to use this profundity in your new religion? "I asked.

" I'm on top of that, " Dzogvi said. " This beats the Scientology E-Meter all hollow. When you hold the tin cans in your sweaty hands, a you can see the readings on the meter . With Auras, there is nothing to be seen, everything to be believed. "

" So, " I said, " how do you plan to use it?"

" I will have a relevation and Mystical Insight that every one of my followers has an Aura that only I can see; and of course,  Auras will get lop-soded amd out of balance and lose spiritual contact with the Sacred Holy Inspired Tourist unless I put them back in contact.  For which, of course, a loving donation will be gladly accepted. "

" So tell me more about this relevation. It sounds interesting, " I said.

"Well, I haven't actually had it yet; but I'm working on it. I think it will go something like this:
I will establish and ordain a corps of initiates which I will call something mystic, and issue each one of them an Auric Detection Device; something like the old Mystic Pendulum that gypsy fortune-tellers use to predict the sex of an unborn-child. You know, hold it over the mother's belly and if it swings back and forth, its a boy; if it swings in a circle its a girl. Put a nice little crystal ball on a chain they can wear around their necks as a talisman. Should work fine to detect Negativity in the Spiritus Profundus, don't you think?"

" yeah, " I said. " but you need more spiritual hokum to hype it up. "

"Got that. ", Dzogvi said. " Listen to this:

"In my Sacred Holy Inquiry Testamental  Aura Balancing Ritual, I will authorize designated Auric Adjusters to confer with pisants in neat little cubicles which I will call Auric Service Stations, where, in the privacy of the cubicle the Auric Adjuster will hold the Mystic Talisman Pendulum over the head of the Pisant and proceed to do the adjustment. While doing so, the Auric Adjuster will intone the Five Sacred Names of Dzogvi in a deep-resonant voice.  I will call this "Extirpation of Negative Thoughts". I will have a revelation that each Pisant  who aspires to God-Consciousness must have an Extirpation at least every six months. "

"You dazzle me, " I said to Dzogvi. " Tell me more. "

"Okay, " he said. " In my revelation, I will proclaim that all souls experience and store up negative thoughts and emotions which are involuntarily retained within their Auric Energy Fields; and that the Mystic Pendulum is invested with a portion of my GodForce which sends a quantum energy message to the Mystic Tourist, who will drop everything and hurry over to neuter the negative radiant energy which is deconstructing and dissipating the electro-magnetic photonic emanations of the soulforce and promoting greater spiritual receptivity. "

"Dzogvi, " I said, " They'll never buy it. " This is pure hokum!"

" I have great faith in Sant PTBarnum-rishi," he said.  "They will buy ANYTHING
if it sounds impressive and they can't understand it.   Always remember, the only things we can be absolutely certain about are the things we don't understand. and believe me, nobody will understand this. I will put it all in the subconscious mind. I will have a revelation about a spiritual ritual which I will call "Interfacing" which will be a part of the Auric Adjustment which will be designed to Alter the Basic Self so that the Pisant  can burrow way down in his unconscious and dredge up the spiritual garbage stored there. "

"Everybody has bad,  even nasty, habits,"  he continued.  " Everybody will need a periodic Auric Adjustment. Maybe I could have a revelation that Bad Habits are Evil Thought Patterns characterized by electromagnetic photonic spiritual oscillatory energies which can be extirpated by a special ritual which I will whomp up. "

"I like it, " I said. "Like my grandfather the chiropractor once told me, " You can only cure once. You can treat forever. "

"That's the idea, " Dzogvi said. " This religion scam has medicine beat all to hell. I can claim everything,  promise everything,  and I really don't have to deliver anything at all!. "

" Dzogvi mani padmi palm", I intoned. "Gzboli Rules"