" You like this zawzen position?" I asked. " Looks painful to me."

" Its ZA-ZEN", he said. "It is very painful at first,  but when You get used to it it is excruciating."

"Then why do you do it? I asked.

"All us Guru-Masters have to do za-zen", he said. " Its expected of us. It is considered good for the Soul to Suffer a little, and besides, it gives the appearance of Holiness."

"Okay, " I said. " What's this about Mantras, Yantras, & Mudras?"

"Well, suppose I have, lets say for arguments' sake, a million Pisants,  each of whom is clamoring for his own personal unique Mantra. Where am I going to get a million different unique Mantras?

"Good question, " I said. "If all your former congregation shows up, you could need more than that, but I suppose there are some standard, off the shelf type mantras you could use.  For Example, one popular one is "OM MANI PADME HOM' .  Another is NAMU AMIDA ABUTSU . Some of the competition pitches  repetition of mantras, words of power, and names of God ; contemplation Identification (samadhi), which is supposed to happen when the meaning of the mantra has leaked into consciousness and the mind grabs onto the Godperson called by the mantra.

"So tell me that in less words, " Dzogvi complained.

"Well, " I said, " there is the proposition that the door to the infinite spiritual planes of the mind can be opened by certain sounds, especially sounds using a lot of "ong" and "onk" and "om" and "hu" and "ani hu". The vibration in the throat is supposed to open up the pipes to the mind. You can also recite the Five Names of God."

" Okay. What are the five names to be recited?" Dzogvi asked. "Is MY Name one of them?

"Not unless you have a Revelation, " I said. The story goes that the five names must be given by a True Master. They can be different names, depending on what mantra the Master wants to give.  According to the poop-sheet of the competition, the Five Names are associated with the five spiritual regions, which are supposed to be inside us, from the third eye upwards. "

"Where do they GET this stuff?" Dzogvi asked. "Have YOU ever seen a THIRD EYE in ANYONE?

"They get it the same way you are getting it, " I said. " They whomp it up. Want to hear some of the "Names Of God? Listen:

" Naam, Nam, Shabd, Bani, Kalma, Om, Hu, Ani-Hu, Holy Spirit, Holy Ghost, Elvis, Rumen, Reticulum, Omasum, Abomasum --- Shall I continue?"

"No need, " Dzogvi said. " It sounds like somebody throwing up.. I was under the impression that The True God never disclosed his real name to anyone. Where do they GET this stuf? "

" I told you, " I said. " They whomp it up for the titilation of the great unwashed. Tickles hell out of them to hear strange-sounding words chanted in a deep resonant voices. Makes 'em think they're REALLY SEEKING GOD."

" I have to work on that one, " Dzogvi said. "If GOD (present company excepted) is really immanent, His address is RIGHT HERE. What is all this seeking stuff?"

"Means full employment and free meals for the Guru-ishi- Masters, I guess"

" I have a more practical Guru-type problem, " Dzogvi said. " Suppose, for arguments' sake, I have a million Pisants, each clamoring for his own mantra? Where do I get a million mantras?

"No problem, " I said. " You whomp up one really good mantra, and you give it to each one."

"You mean, a million Pisants  with the SAME mantra?"

"Of course" I said. You have a Revelation that each Mantra has been Lighted Up by your Spiritually Holy Inspired Thought blessing ; and that the Pisant will suffer horrible, unpleasnt consequences, even hemorroids,  if it is written down or spoken or otherwise revealed to any living person, including wives, husbands, live-in-significant-others, or even the FBI."

" I hadn't thought of that, " Dzogvi said. " But it would solve the Mantra problem. How would that work with Yantras and Mudras?"

"Well, if the Yantra is a physical object, like a photograph or a statuette, or maybe a pebble, you might require the Pisant  to keep it in a secret place, and never to disclose its' true significance. Some people get off on stuff like that, you know, "i've got a secret."

"All right, ", Dzogvi said. "but a Mudra is a gesture ; and there is no way that my pisant  could make movements and gestures without being seen, that is, if there are any other pisants present. If I gave each of a million uppliants the same mudra they would look like a tap dance chorus all making the same moves at the same time.'

"True, " I said. " Why not have a revelation that the Mudra is to be used only when Only God is Present?

"I need to have a revelation" Dzogvi said, " on the effectiveness of these gimmicks. Do you really think they are useful in getting the attention of GOD?"

"Well, YOU are GOD, aren't YOU? It got YOUR attention, didn't it""

"Not the same thing, " he replied. "It was the SUBJECT that got My attention, not the use by my pisants."

"Good Point, " I said. " But in all candor, I have trouble with the Theological concept. If GOD (excepting present company, of course) is Immanent, Omniscient, and Omnipotent, then all pisants alrready HAVE His attention; and for what purpose would one want to tell GOD what he already knows, and knew from the beginning of time, whenever that was?"

"That takes a load off My Holy Mind, " Dzogvi said. " But it might be interesting  to hear millions of Pisant voices chanting Gzboli Mani Padmi Hom.