"What are you up to now, Dzogvi, " I asked. "More esoterica?"

"Yes", he answered. " I have begun to whomp up my portfolio ofSacred Holy InspiredTestaments. I have had a revelation from Ascidius that the Disquisitions will be the fundamental dogma and teaching which I am to deliver. I need to write at least a dozen -- one for each month;  but I can't decide if that will be enough. I have to keep the faithful occupied for at least a year just to break even on the printing costs."

"Well, " I said, " how long are you going to make them study your stuff before they can be initiated to Your Bosom?"

"Cut out the bosom stuff, " he said stiffly. "Us God-conscious Gurus to not have bosoms. Breasts, maybe, but no bosoms."

"Okay, "  I said. "Tell me about your Disquisitionary Pronouncement Program."

"My Sacred Holy Inspired Testament will be the heart & soul of my teachings, " Dzogvi said. " I plan to offer a full and complete Way Of Progress to the Infinite, full of practical little tips on how to lose weight, how to train the dog, how to keep the husband or wife satisfied and happy; and all stuff like that. I will interleave some keen rituals and observances which will lead to Supreme Holy Inspirational Truth which will show the way to Spiritual Awareness and Knowledge of the Soul."

"Dzogvi, " I said, " You have got to deal with the Religious Issues. You know, like What Happens to Us After Death."

" I am on top of that, " Dzogvi said. "Listen to some of my titles:

How do I know that there is a God;  How many Angels can do the Charleston on the Head of a Pin;   Whether Life Is An Illusion or an Allusion;   How to have your Karma Cleared & Your Sins Forgiven;   How to be Reincarnated as Marilyn Monroe or Clint Eastwood;   Why good people suffer and bad people don't;   The meaning of your latest Near-Death Experience;   How to Meditate in a Coma;   What is Initiation in The Supreme Holy Illuminated Teleology;   Why You Must have a Mantra, a Yantra, and a Mudra. I got a million of them.

I whistled softly. " Dzogvi, " I said, " You amaze me. " Are you really going to pretend that all that Sacred Holy Inspirational Text was composed by you?"

"Well, not exactly, " heconfessed. " I'm going to liberate most of it from my competitor's Holy Writ. Of course, I will give it MY own Spin and throw in some late wrinkles that they didn't think of, but I can build on their stuff. They stole most of it from other Sacred Writings, anyway. Stuff like the Sermon on the Mount, the Vedas, the Koran, the Book of Mormon , the Ecks, the Messiahs -- its mostly in the public domain. Besides, if they sue me I will make them prove that what they have is not stolen property, and I will get a pot-full of free publicity. Nothing attracts more attention -- and contributions -- than a good, old-fashioned religious cat fight."

"Okay, " I said, " but you will have to edit it and arrange it into your
Disquisitionary Literature. "

"I can do that,"  he said.

"Meow, " I said. " Where is the kitty-litter?"