"Something like that, " I said.   " It's the same force that makes people feel guilty and half-expect a whop alongside the head when they've done a bad thing; or makes them feel good and expect a lollypop when they've sone something good. "

"I know the feeling", Dzogvi said. " In the beginning the people you trust most tell you that Santa Claus is watching; and you better watch out; and come Xmas your reward will be good stuff under the tree. That's an annual accounting. The Christians mostly believe that their accounts will be settled after death at the Last Judgment,  with the reward being paid off over eternity with a ticket to Heaven or a consignment to punishment in Hell. Thats a lifetime accounting.   On the other hand, the Hindus and other Eastern religiosos beleive that the pay-off period extends over a lot of re-incarnations and alleged lifetimes where you are required to keep doing life until you get it right. "

"The common thread, "I pointed out, " is that the "rewards" and "punishments" amount to a Sacred Holy Inducement To act in an ethical, that is, "good" manner. If you"ve been "nice" your shade is admitted into Nirvana, Heaven, Paradise, or Valhalla where there is eternal contemplation of whatever there is to contemplate; and if you've been "naughty" your shade is relegated to hell, where I understand that the air-conditioning is always broken and the beer is always warm. "

"In short, " Dzogvi said, " it is a system of Celestial bribes. I can DO that. If the big payoff is after death, It isn't likely that there will be any need for a Refunds and Returns department .

"I think you've got the essence of it, " I said. "

" I am whomping up  a relevation, " "Dzogvi said. " I need to set up a schedule of sins or "badassactions" the nature of which which I will specify,   for tracking by my Celestial Reward and Punishment Department. I will require each Pisant and Initiate to undergo my "Karmic Clearing Ritual " periodically in which all his or her badassactions which constitute bad karma will be plastered on a Scrape Goat.  We will arrange for a Celestial Savings Account Deposit of good Karma which can be carried over to any subsequent carnation. "

"But you havn"t defined "badassaction", I said. "How is a Pisant to know when an action is making Bad Karma?"

"That's easy, " Dzogvi said. " If it makes you feel good it's a badassaction. If it makes you feel bad, its a badassaction"

"But that"s EVERYTHING, " I protested.

"Yeah, " he said, smiling.  "What do you know about Scrapeoats?   Do you think think maybe we could use one?"

'"SCRAPE goats?" I said. "I have heard of SCAPE goats. The ancient Israelites used to have a ritual where once a year they picked out a scruffy old goat from the herd and they all gathered around and laid their sins on its head; and then they drove it out into the desert to get mouldy."

"That has a certain Mystic Class about it, " Dzogvi said. " I like the concept.  When we complete the Auric-Karmic Cleansing Ritual,   we really need a Spiritual Receptacle for the Karmic garbage. We can't just leave it lying there on the floor where people will step in it. If we had a Scrape-goat we could plaster the Karmic Garbage all over it and send it out into the freeway where hopefully it would be hit by a truck,  or at least have a Near-Death Experience which would put it into a coma from which the Sacred Holy Inspired Tourist-who-is-always-with-us could Re-Incarnate it as a Fellow-Traveler.  We could name the ScrapeGoat "Cal" or "Kal",  which is a bad word in some Mystic Indian Circles.

"Why do you persist in calling the Scape-goat a Scrape-goat? I asked.

"Well, " Dzogvi said, thoughtfully, " It occurred to me that if we are going to plaster it with all our used Karmage, we might be able to re-cycle it if the 
Sacred Holy Inspired Tourist-who-is-always-with-us had a chance to scrape it off.  Serious Karma is hard to come by,  you know.  It takes a lot of determined effort and plain hard work to create it; and maybe we could spread it around to the under-karma-ized folks who haven't had their share. I could whomp up a paralellized ritual which I would call the "Karma-Plaster  Ritual," complete with higher Initiates standing in a circle chanting
 

" What do you think of THAT?" he asked, triumphantly. "Do you think we ought to have the the Sacred Holy Inspired Tourist-who-is-always-with-us invest the Goat with SoulHood? There might be trouble trying to reincarnate a non-soul.  Like trying to inflate a flat tire with a hole in it."

" I am sufficiently boggled for today," I said. " I'm going over to the corner Pub for some De-bogglementation therapy."

"Wait until I put out this damned incense, " said Dzogvi. "I'll join you.