"Join the club," I said. " There are at least four thousand different flavors of religion floating around this country alone; and maybe as many more in India, China, Africa, and Los Angeles, and each one has a common-law copyright on its own particular deity."

"Do you suppose," Dzogvi asked, "that there is more than one god? The Israelite version has their God saying, " Thou shalt have no other gods before me , which implies that He wants to be Number One of the God Club."

" I have wondered about that," I said. " Each religion claims that its' God is the One True God, and has the sole franchise to sell tickets to Paradise, Heaven, Nirvana or Beverly Hills. They can't all be the One True God with all the others selling counterfeit tickets."

"That confirms what I am thinking", Dzogvi said. " I have seen names like Naam, Nam, Shabd, Bani, Kalma, Holy Spirit, Holy Ghost, Hu, Om, Ani-Hu, Ho, Hah, Hoo, Jehova, I Am, God, Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, Radhasoami, Lord-Thy-God, Goddelmity, Rumen, Reticulum, Omasum, Abomasum, even Elvis. There are a whole pot-full of Hindu dieties, Sikh dieties; not to mention the Greek and Roman gods such as Zeus, Diana, Mercury, Ford, and there are also some Wiica dieties;  Demeter, and who knows how many more are floating around the Internet GodSites. How am I to figure out which name is the realtrue name?"

"I do not recall having seen or heard of any direct communication from God on this subject," I said. " The nearest I can recall was when He appeared to Abraham as a burning bush; but He didn't leave his name and address. The only writing God ever did was on the stony tablets that Charlton Heston lugged down from the mountain. I saw them once in the lobby of the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel.

"Well," Dzogvi said, " Seems to me that God knows what his Name is; and since He is immanent, omniscient, and omnipotent, why would he need a mailing address? If He knows my every thought, why would He even need a telephone number? I think, He hears. What more is required?"

"Okay, Dzogvi, " I said. "I know that and you know that; but how are you going to maintain YOUR franchise? If every Tom, Dick, and Mary can bypass you and go directly to God, who needs you? We are talking unemployment here, bankruptcy even."

"Touche," Dzogvi said. " Suppose I just start out with the Generic Appellation GOD; and then whomp up a nice initiation ritual in which I will reveal the Secret Holy Invisible True Name, Address, and Telephone Number of God?"

"Might work, " I said. " You might consider reserving His Unlisted Number for those who have Ascended to the Higher Planes of Soul Existence by following Your Way; maybe even throw in the Sacred Holy Internet Testamentary fax number."

"Suppose I made them sign a Non-Disclosure Pact as a condition to revealing to them the Sacred Holy Invisible True name? " Dzogvi mused.

"Why don't you make it a package deal with the Mantra ritual? Paste the True Name into the Mantra which they are forbidden to disclose to any other living entity, not even the FBI. Tell them that The True Name Of God is so Holy that they may not write it down or speak it aloud under any conceivable circumstances, or they may be immediately stricken with some bad condition like death or even hemorrhoids."

"I Like it," Dzogvi said. 'Each new initiate will be issued a Mantra, along with The True Name Of God; and will get a Gift Certificate for the his or her next scheduled Auric Tune-up."

"So what True Name have you chosen?" I asked. "Do you have one in mind?"

" I have to whomp up a revelation, "Dzogvi said. " Ask me tomorrow."