In 1999, a Sophistic religion called the "Church of the Sacred Holy Inspired Testament" was launched upon the internet scene by Dzogvi Gzboli -- an auto-proclaimed survivor of a near-death experience during which he was possessed by an ancient spirit named Ascarious Ascaridious who, according to Gzboli, proclaimed to the spirit world that he, Gzboli, had been designated by the Spirit Superior as the Spiritual Anchorman for the Third Planed of the star Sol. In this alleged vision, Gzboli was told where to find the Sacred Holy Irridium Tablets upon which had been inscribed the Sacred Holy Inspired Text whose commandments and teachings were to be the mission of the Spiritual Anchorman until a Spiritual Successor was designated by the Spirit Superior. 

Prior to  his pivotal near-death experience and resultant epiphany, Dzogvi Gzboli had been an obscure official in a labor organization whose only claim to fame was that he had been fired for insubordination and doctrinal deviation, followed by a stint as proprietor of an adult book store which was forced to close because of local citizen protest. 

Finding himself otherwise unemployed, Gzboli became interested in New Age Religion as a business oportunity; and in a series of conversations with his friend, a seldom-practicing lawyer, he conceived and developed the framework for the Church of the Sacred Holy Inspired Testament. Out of these Conversations Gzboli forged his Cosmology, which was embodied in his Disquisitions, and many of the Rituals which characterize the practices of the Church. 

Gzboli has insisted that the Spiritual Teachings, called the Sacred Holy Inspired Testament, were transcribed directly from the Sacred Holy Irridium Tablets with the aid and assistance of the Spirit Ascaridious. Ascaridious, according to Gzboli, had been rendered homeless when, during the Luciferian Revolution, he had procrastinated in choosing sides; and had hidden the Irridium tablets as insurance for when the Revolution ended. 

Having chosen neither side, Ascaridious was also cast out; but with the proviso that his visa might be renewed if he would find a suitable human subordinate to publish the Sacred Testament to the third Planet of the Star Sol. The Sacred Testament hence pre-dates all other religions on the planet, and was in existence even before Adam and Eve (who were deemed not suitable by Ascaridious) . Ascaridious, according to Gzboli, existed in the Spirit World between Nirvana (Heaven, Valhalla, Paradise) and the physical earth, roaming the earth in search of -- and finally finding, Dzogvi Gzboli.

Gzboli, who was totally innocent of Cosmology, Theology, and Religious Ritual proceeded to read and study the writings and literature of existing religions in search of a modus operandi. 

He found it in the examples set by other New Religions; and proceeded to emulate portions of their teachings, cosmology, organizational practices, rituals, and business policies. Gzboli has insisted from the beginning that the Sacred Holy Inspired Testament, however, represents Universal, Timeless Truth as received from Ascaridious who in turn was the first and original
custodian of the Irridium Tablets. 

The actual membership of the Church is controversial and invisible. Gzboli claims that every person on the planet -- currently some six billion souls--were and are automatically initiated upon birth, a sort of "Original Universal Eligibility" doctrine, although he admits that not all contribute to the support of the Church. However, any "automatic" member may freely choose to opt out at any time for any reason, according to Gzboli. 

The Church has no physical locus, according to Gzboli. Its existence is in the pattern of psycho-electronic eminations flowing through the connections and interstices of the Internet through which Gzboli has undertaken to disseminate the Testament to the populace of the Planet. Hence, the message of the Church is visible in the Americas, Europe, Africa, Asia, the Anarctic and the Arctic, and all of the Indian Sub-continent, and, of course, in Los Angeles. Gzboli has, however, experimented  with the Church Inflatable.

Gzboli has modestly and with some humility refrained from asserting that his person is a unique incarnation of God on Earth; but he does not deny that only through him and The Church of the Sacred Holy Inspired Testament could any person come to know truth and salvation from Infernal Damnation, neither of which he defines with any lack of ambiguity. 

Gzboli admits that his  "Church" is similar in many significant respects to other movements which have been labeled   "cults",
involving an extensive synthesis of eclectic movements, and raising the spectre of the Occult, the Cabala, Yogic versions of Tai Chi and Falun Gong with a polite nod toward Buddhism and Hinduism. He denies any significant   "Esoteric Gap" , however, between the face of the Church Leadership and the face which is visible to the Internet.  "What you see is what you get" , he asserts. 

It is clear, however, that the Church has progressed from an idea in the head of Gzboli to an organized belief system with what he hopes will emerge as a large, highly prosperous corporate bureaucracy with Himself as resident Diety-Designate Arbiter and Guru. 

The Church of the Sacred Holy Inspired Testament presents itself as
a religion which pre-dates all human history; and Gzboli points out, prior even to the Creation of the World. Its source of authority is the Author of the Sacred Holy Inspired Text, and that text was unchanged in any detail from its first inscription. 

1. Source of Authority.
The current Living Tourist,  ( SACRED HOLY INSPIRED TOURIST 
WHO IS ALWAYS WITH US )  is the  Ultimationized Authority. This Sacred Office is currently occupied by Dzogvi Gzboli.

The Unreincarnated Spirit Ascarious Ascaridious, the Compass Reader And Pointer to the Holy Path, the Sacred Holy Immunizeer Therapist, of every Pisant is the Church's sole authority for the Sacred Holy Inspired Testament, which represents the only source of Sacred Holy Inspired Truth. which states that "the faith that one has in the Sacred Holy Inspired Therapist must be that of complete understanding and surrender." The " Word of Dzogvi" is found only in the Sacred Holy Inspired Testament. it is also known as the " Sacred Holy Inspired Testament." -- it is the believer's spiritual security blanket, and " should one have this Holy Scripture flowing from the Fountain of Phantasy within himself, then he will be immune from the slings and arrows of dirty, evil, apostate nonbeleivers and the F. B. I. and the Internal Revenue Service: or unless tortured,  Homeland Security. 

2. Teaching: 

The Church of the Sacred Holy Inspired Testament teaches that only through the spiritualistic meditationalism taught by the Sacred Holy Inspired Therapist can a Pisant segue thru his evil ways and vile, rotten thoughts to the exalted levels described in the Testament. The Tourist assures all beleivers that they can become lighter than air whereupon they can travel instantly to any point in the universe, earning Frequent Astral Flyer credits, while observing the Infinite Realms of the Back Lot where Creation is Created. This " Travel" does not take place within the Real Universe,   but  occurs between the  ears as a manifestation of a schiophrenic duality  called " Hopping About" , similar to Yogic Hopping, but with bigger hops. Only by becoming full of Lighter-than-Air Spiritual Gas can an initiate, nee Pisant, float upward to the Gaseous Level of pure, formless disassociated molecules of Unadulterated Gas where Reality and Unreality Collide and Flash into pure White Lightning. 

3. Submission:

The only way to reach the Ultimate Level of White Lightning is by submitting totally to the influence of the Sacred Holy Inspired Tourist, who fills the Pisant (learner or sudent) with the Holy Gaseous Doctrine contained in the Disquisitions. When sufficiently filled with the Gas, the Pisant releases it suddenly making a sound simply known as "The Tone" which is alleged to command the immediate attention of the otherwise unemployed Spirits who then appear to massage the Pisant's insecurities. The Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Sound is a powerful weapon against evil, vile demons who would possess the Pisant's Soul and impel him to defect to some other competing religion or even become a Republican.

4. Realization

Thus with the help of the Sacred Holy Inspired Tourist, the Pisant, through diligent diving into the Disquistions learns to out-gas in the presence of menacing evangelists, and having divested him/herself of all worldly goods, money and other things of lucrative value which might impede his/her Spiritual progress to the Infinite Gaseous State, achieves that level of Enlightenment necessary to realize that he/she has been pauperized and totally divested of Economic security in this present tortured existence. 

5. Role of Gzboli

Dzogvi Gzboli is described in Church Literature as " the only entity"
ever manifested in human history in which the Spirit Ascarious Ascaridius ever annointed with the Complete, Realistic, And Pointed testamentary powers of the Planetary Spiritual Realm. His most devoted followers beleive that he is a Human Diety; and have universally recognized as him asThe Source of Gaseous Eminations in the Church. Gzboli does not overtly manifest any serious denial of this view.  He holds a life-estate in the office of Tourist, however.

6 . Predecessors. Succession

Gzboli claims to have no predecessors save the Spirit Ascaridious, and hence is a living religious "original" having no spiritual peer on this planet. As such, Gzboli is the sole existant being who is both Universal and Particular and fully capable of realizing universal, total freedom from all non spiritual parameters of restraint, and who can, upon conditions, confer this " being-ness" upon others who accept his Spiritual Authority. Those who accept his authority are promised that they " will never know death". 

7. God. 

Gzboli maintains that " God" is an unknowable abstraction, a real unreality who is defined as " immanent, omniscient, and omnipotent" Who is everywhere and nowhere, but is at the beck & call of those who importune Him with appropriate incantantions, rituals, and buzzing sounds. Gzboli's God has no Name and has no URL; and needs none " He knows Who He Is, " asserts Gzboli. " And I know his Cell-Phone Number. "

8. Sin. 

Gzboli does not beleive in " Sin" , and has no portfolio of "Virtues" to which anyone must subscribe. Both "sin" and "virtue" are abstractions which have no meaning apart from application to specific factual situations, and in each such situation the guiding principle is always " Do justice, have mercy, and be not arrogant., especially with the Internal Revenue Service. " 

9. Reincarnation. 

Gzboli holds no stock in the proposition that man is born in sin. He observes that most of us were born as a result of a pretty good time; and this state should be respected. He maintains that each person is entitled to one birth and one life; and hence should make the most of it without actually going to jail. Living re-incarnation is a reality, according to Gzboli. He observes that each biological cell in the human body is replaced in each seven year period of the person's life; and hence one is "reincarnated" as many times as there are seven year intervals in his or her life. 

10. The Soul

Gzboli maintains that the "soul" is not a thing but an event, as is the mind. "Mind" is what the brain does; that is, mind is an event which continues throughout life; and "soul" is a concept, that is an "event" within the "mind-event". Neither have any existence separate from the biological brain. "I do not HAVE a soul, "Gzboli asserts; "I AM a soul." 

11. Existence of Evil

"Evil" is an abstraction, a word-symbol which has no meaning apart from a particular state of fact which an observer applies his value-judgment, i. e. gives meaning to the effects or consequences of the subject state of facts. He maintains that Evil is a very bad thing; and Good is where you find it. In short, shit happens.

12. Salvation.

Inasmuch as the "soul" is an event which is dependent upon the existence of the biological brain in which it occurs, there is nothing to be salvated when the brain ceases to live. "Seek ye rosebuds while ye may", Gzboli  maintains. " just stay out of jail". 

13. Planes of Existence

"What you see is what you get", Gzboli maintains. God is immanent, omnipotent, and omniscient. HE knows who HE is; and He, if He is a He and not a SHE, or HESHEIT, HE knows the name and whereabouts of each person at all times. There is only one plane of existence; and if you are alive, THIS IS IT. 

14. Christianity.

Gzboli takes no position on the validity or authenticity of Christian Doctrine. "If it was good enough for the Emperor Constantine, The Crusaders, and Jerry Falwell, it is probably good enough for Pope Paul, but probably not for George Bush." 

15. Spiritual Practice. 

The primary means of spiritual unfoldment practiced by Gzboli is Gaseous Astrogation in which the body is propelled by a strongly defined Gaseous Projection which causes powerful out-of-the-body experiences for all those in propinquity to the Eminator. Five of the major techniques used are: (1) Gaseous Emination, (2) Cognitative Cogitation, (3) Ejection via the hallucination state, (4) Stupor, and (5) direct injection (intentionally willing one's body, or parts thereof, to be in another location). Mantras , I. e. buzzing sounds with lots of OM, ONK, INK, HOO and HAW are visceraly chanted and internal contact with spiritous fluids is practiced as well. Almost all forms and types of occult/mystical consciousness alteration are classed with drug or alcohol addiction and come into play. Hallucinations and stupor states are not encouraged since they tend to attract unwanted attention of the F. B. I. and other Fuzz. 

Gzboli admits reluctantly that the "nine realms of spiritual existence" were " whomped up" to provide his prospective adherents with sacramental titillation and himself with revenue. 

" I set up nine levels of initiation, " Gzboli says. " I make them beleive that each successive level brings them closer to the infinite, which it does; but I charge them a bundle for the progress. In the end they reach the infinite state of experience: they know they have been fleeced; but by that time they are ecstatically fleecless. It is a real money-maker" , he adds, smiling impishly. 

Gzboli's followers ("Pisants") are led through fifty-seven phases of "spiritual defecation". These are experienced as "kenosis of the upper colon". " Like hitting yourself on the head with a hammer, " Gzboli, says. " It feels so much better when you stop. " 

Gzboli maintains that his Pisants, if they persist in their divestment, will ultimately enjoy imaginary powers or poverty beyond comprehension or restitution. 

These are sometimes called the gift of Spirit, or the "essence of the UCK. " Some of the most significant are mediumship, E. S. P. , telepathy, mind reading, clairvoyance, speaking in unknown tongues, magic, cosmic consciousness, telekinetic powers, alchemy, and weather control. When one finally reaches this " upper level, " he merges with the Absolute and becomes a "coworker" with God. He becomes part of God, and there is nothing in the universe that is not Ichor (God) or the everlasting " UCK." 

16. Kingdom of Heaven. 

The Kingdom of Heaven to which Gzboli refers is a cosmic layer cake of nine different realms or planes. Strictly speaking, only the upper six planes are "heavenly, " the lower three being ruled by the negative anti-Ichor forces, especially by an idiopathic prevaricator named Badass, who supposedly causes all the familiar woes and confusion we experience here at Ground Level, or First Floor.  The second realm, known popularly as the Second Floor, gives rise to all the usual varieties of occultic and psychic male-cow droppings -- from deceitful spirits to flying saucers and out-of-the-body astral projection experiences, including interrogations by the F. B. I. and/or the Naturalization and Immigration Service. 

17. Reincarnation / Karma

According to Gzboli, as souls live their lives and make both conscious and "unconscious" choices, they accrue tax liabilities and substance addictions. Souls must then pay for or work off negative cash-flow balances acquired through wrong action, either in this life or in jail. According to Gzboli, the individual soul must go through seemingly endless rounds of bankruptcies to work off these liabilities, taking millions of honorous transactions and millions of credit-card balance transfers as the soul rises up the economic scale of existence in this society. Gzboli maintains that the soul enters the universe as a republican, then works its way up through plant, fish, reptile, and mammal incarnations, eventually becoming a democrat where it will work any number of elections until it attains economic parity. The shortcut to God-realization is to meet and follow the Living Sacred Holy Inspired Tourist, whose presence will burn away eons of psychological debt, freeing the soul from the endless interrogations of the F. B. I. or Homeland Security.

18. Prayer. 

Gzboli maintains that because God is immanent, omniscient, and omnipotent, "prayer" is an irrelevant and meaingless attempt to improve God, who already knows everything man has to say, and knows what, if anything, man needs. "God needs no reminders, " Gzboli says. 

19.  Piety

Gzboli maintains a fundamentalist  attitude.   He believes that if he wraps himself in the flag and says everything  with bombastic piety that anyone who dares to criticize will find their own piety  questioned and their scrutiny nullified.

20.  Bottom Line.

"Any one dumb enough to want to join my church is too dumb to be accepted as a member" Gzboli  says,  "and that would surely include anyone dumb enough  to have read  the previous 19 paragraphs. "

The material in this report was gathered in personal interviews with Dzogvi Gzboli over a period of years.