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Headlines
First:  See the first Sacred Holy Inspired Testament Church Building
Pics from Recent Initiations by Sri Dzogvi
DIRE THREAT FORM
REPORT TERRORIST ACTIVITY
TERRORIST SEX ATTACK THREATS
Time to Renew Suffering Permits Again
NEW Spiritual Mandatum Requirement announced
 Virginity Certification Program Liberalized
Astral Flight Program Discontinued
Spiritual Exercise du Jour

Dire threats
against the Church of the
Sacred Holy Inspired Testament and / or Sri Dzogvi must be filed  on the appropriate 
"Dire Threat" form. 

WARNING:  TERRORISTS PLAN TO SPREAD S.T.D.S  BY CONTAMINATING PUBLIC TOILET SEATS IN THEATERS, BUS STATIONS, AIRPORTS, AND OTHER PUBLIC FACILITIES.  DO NOT USE TOILET PAPER OR SEAT COVERS IN THESE FACILITIES. IF YOU HAVE CONTRACTED GONNORHEA, SYPHLIS, HERPES, OR LOCKJAW  IN ONE OF THESE FACILITIES, IMMEDIATELY NOTIFY HOMELAND SECURITY.

TO REPORT ANONYMOUSLY, CLICK HERE

DO NOT IGNORE THESE
SYMPTOMS.
Renewal Time for 
Suffering Perrmits
Sri Dzogvi reminds all Ministers of the
Sacred Holy Inspired Testament that they must again renew  their
Suffering Permits
 or they will not be
allowed to piss, moan,whine, complain, 
or criticize those who 
do renew their 
SUFFERING PERMITS
NEW Spiritual Mandatums
Sri Dzogvi,has graciously reinstated  his previous order that all  currently ordained  ministers must obtain a  MANDATUM  or SPECIAL CERTIFICATION   bearing the imprimature of the Church of the Sacred Holy Inspired Testament as a condition to   Spiritual Instructional  activities.

"Because   many of our ordained ministers failied the polygraph test,"  Sri  Dzogvi explained, "I found it necessary to revise  the regimen for the Sacred Holy Initiation Therapy.   Excessive  pollution of the supra-chiasmatic  nucleii nodes of their Bullshit-detection centers was being  caused by  insufficient attention to the Sacred Holy Inspired  Therapy."

"All prescribed therapies must preserve the  integrity of the Sacred Holy  Inspired Testament",  Sri Dzogvi said.

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Virginity Certification Program Revised

Sri Dzogvi Gzboli has recently been the recipient of a vision from Lord of the Thirty-Ninth plane
of Astrol Superreality in which he was instructed to determine that  all Pisant Initiates possess and exhibit upon demand Certification of their Virginity.  This is was not  expected to result in any untoward theological difficulties, since the controlling requirement was to be that the applying Pisant certify under penalty of celestial non-reincarnation that his/her asseveration of non-carnal prior indulgence is true and correct. 
However, covert polygraphic inquisitalization of many applicants revealed widespread exaggeration of their innocence of prior sexual involvement, such that a new vision was necessary to rethink the whole  certification  program. 
Under the revised certification procedure, an appropriate spiritual cookie will be inserted in the supra-chiasmatic  nucleii nodes of each applicant, thereby  enucleating  the  testosteronity maximumizational complex.

DO NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH NON-MEMBERS.
For further  information, see the Ad in"SpiritualNeeds".


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More on Astral Flight.
Mounting insurance premiums and safety regulations have made it necessary to scrub the Astral Flight  Program, according to usually reliable intuitional sources, Sri Dzogvi has announced.  "Too many pisants were failing to wear their helmets and coccyx pads", Sri Dzogvi said.  "Not  even My Healing  Touch has been enough to cope with the cracked coccyxes and head-bones that were occurring."
I"Astral Flight or  Aerobic Sole Travel," He assured the faithful who were present,
"requires infinite faith and confidence in My Holy Teaching.  All can fly if they but Beleive, but mere belief unsupported by adequate  health insurance is not enough."

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Spiritual Exercise du Jour
Close your eyes; stand on your left foot, and recite one hundred times:

"It's NOT NICE to sue your guru."

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Flag
5/1/03

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